The night comes

The night comes

And with it a great suffering, which I never had before.
I have a sun burn in my eyes!!!

I felt nothing earlier. Everything was fine. But the moment I want to go ready to bed, to finally relax, it starts. Rangdol gives me some eye drops…. But closing the eys is really wanted for resting, then the pain starts. Slowly but steadily the pain increases…. it’s like send in your eyes and I can’t stop the movement of my eyes…..
What a pain.
In the morning, when I had the backpack ready to shoulder it, there was a pain coming from my lower back. This pain is also now increasing and coming in waves from the spine. I can’t hold myself back from crying. And it goes on for at least two hours. I hear someone coming in at the door, I dont care…. I can’t stop….. I can’t bear any light anymore and Rangdol switch it of in my area…..
and after a while I realize, I see less and less, maybe I see only 2 or 3 meters, the rest is in heavy fog….. I remember, there was a stick outside, so I can use it for going to the outside dry toilet. And if it gets worse, from now on, I will need to get help for everything…. even going to the loo…. do I get to be blind?
And I have to get to the loo…. But I can’t handle any light, even my weak light of my forhead torch is to bright. Somehow I reach with the stick the toilet, knowing that the hole there is so big, you always nealy have to do a splits not to fall in there…. I manage. I knock at Rangdols door to explain, that I can manage and I am a bit out of controll with the crying, but there is so much going on with this sun eyeburn, with my back and other defilments, clearing up, it somehow all comes together. After that talk I am somehow able to concentate on the area behind my eyes, to stop the movement of my eyes… that helps a bit…. still crying….

Next morning the fog effect is still there, also some pain, but I can see little further, totally sensetive to any light. But I manage to find some good in the storage room and to cook. I sleep a lot this day.

The day after I am able to start sorting a bit the food room, especially the onion on the ground. Earlier I through some of the potatoes away, which had already spouds 40cm long. The onion area, at least 2 square meters are old. They already peeled themselve and also had big sprouds. … I find two big boxes where I sorted the old once out and another box for the still good once. When Rangdol come back he sayed something like, oh nice, you sorted the onions…. but searching in the two big boxes he found immediately a onion, which he wanted to keep. Next morning, before I woke up, he continued that task and found around 15 onions out of that two big boxes, which were in his eyes still to use…. and he was a bit angry of me…. I should not continue the clean up… please….

Already a evening before I did the clean up, he started to treat me a bit different.  I don’t know, what has happened. …
But asking him during the fourth day, what I can bring to the Guru Rinpoche room, to start meditating there, he just sayed ’no‘ with any explanation. Ok. Then I meditate on my sleeping area.

At the 29th a car came over the pass. Yak shepherds, with the task to bring there Yaks back to the winter area. And Rangdol wants me to leave, with this car. I still feel a bit weak…  the horse owners left today north, but i could not go with them. I am to worried about my eyes and I still see double. Also my feet are not fine to start a hike.
But he insists, ‚you go with this car or you walk away today, but you have to leave today….‘ I said ‚ Why are you treating me like a dog since 3 days, what happend?‘ His reply ’shut up‘. I could not believe my ears….

I realized that this shepards had brought some barley wine, and they did not only being it for the rituals, that gathered in Rangdols room, where I suddenly was not allowed to enter anymore, to drink some of it…. so I mentioned ‚I usually don’t go with anybody in a car, who drank alcohol before….‘ but I have no chance…. I can’t walk at all, there is no-one in the village exept the monk, and he just pushed me out of the house….

The shepards then helped Rangdol to free one roof of the monastery from snow, I guess it already leaked somewhere through before we start our journey.

To get up the pass is still very difficult. Often the Mahendra pick up slides to the side. The both men freed then the street from the snow, put some sand or gravel or we heavied the car with some stone. Rarely I feel weak and unsafe, but today I do, because I am still so wunerable. But this guys are really nice, it’s just me….
After 2h we manage the pass, down even taking the ’short cut‘ in the snow, as the truck driver did 3 month before…. a picknick with the other shepards,  who brought all the yaks over the pass, and further on….
‚Backshish?‘ the question of my helpers, when we said good bye…. we should have agreed earlier on this ’no‘ but thanks a lot….

…. and I managed to get back to Leh on this day. …

Sadly I lost or somehow forget in the monastery my list/statistic of the last 3 month…. where have I been, whom did I meet, how many km are walked….. or somewhere else ( anyway, I could not reach the monk anymore…)