Elisabeth and Silent Retreat

Elisabeth and Silent retreat

I pick my friend Elisabeth from Germany up from the airport. She has been my girl friend 20 years before for a bit more then one year. Since then we are still good friends. She will stay for 3 1/2 weeks.
Sure, we have to talk a lot and so we use the first days to update is, discuss and exchange ideas, problems and solutions.
We have quite something in common, for example, that we both have a professional background with sound and sound healing. She works with singing bowls and gongs in her own institute in Switzerland and Germany but also international. Her Gong book is soon to be published. I used sound and sound healing by voice and harmonics and worked also with gongs in concerts, seminars and for relaxation….
So here we are together in Ladakh, which we both love a lot.

After a few days the idea arises, that we should have a silent retreat together. She asked me, if it would be possible, that I lead her through a silent retreat. In the beginning, I am a bit surprised, but after some thinking and dicussion, where and when, I agreed with a 8 day retreat. Our rooms where perfect, the guest house agreed with serving us special food, steamed vegetables, and there was even a dining area between our rooms without disturbance. The guest house team got it from the beginning and were very mindful all the time.
And sure, I benefit always from every silent retreat, what I do by myself, visit or give. I just love it to be in silence and meditate with others.

Since 1 year, after I got to know Vipassana, I add that knowledge into it, some very helpful details I learned, but all the silence retreats I have given before, are very similar to Vipassana. I earlier wrote in the blog about some experience during and after the retreats, so I don’t want to repeat myself here. As usual, the first 2 or 3 days are a bit difficult, the mind has its hassle…. but then it became quite deep and intense.

In the retreat, just before this happening I will report soon, I draw some signs with useful little sayings, for example: observe -don’t change anything‘ or ‚every step is a wonder‘ (we did also walking meditation to the shanti stupa) or ‚ this is a happy moment‘. The last one I glued wondering, why at my door. In every retreat I use these and other signs. Just before following story happend, I thought, it’s not good visible and I put a yellow paper underneath,  kind of framing: ‚this is a happy moment‘.

I want to write here about one experience I had, but I had to diguest it a while, not knowing, if I could write about this, what happens, in the blog. I was so shocked and ashamed. I decided to write about it, even though it’s very personal, because it maid help someone to look deeper in our existence. To look deeper into, what we are, what we are not, and about Karma, influences, from ancestors or our own earlier incarnations….., into our ’now-life’…

The story begins:
If you go in silence, automatically, after a while, you realize, that the body mind system want to show you your ’spots‘. These spot can be very painful, but they are there for some reasons, so you have to just look at them, without being identified with them. It’s just important to observe.
When I started my ’spiritual life‘, about 30 years ago, and I started meditation, I had for at least 5 years a very painful area at my back, in the area of my heart chakra on the back side. It felt always like a super wunerable place and my aura was kind of open to the back. And it did not go away for at least 5 years, then other places came into my focus. Since then it felt like ‚healed‘ or gone.

In this retreat the place came again into focus and I was surprised, that there was again a black area, a very black area. How could I not realize that before, where did this black thing, looking like a cube, has been all the years. Anyway, I observed the cube. I had learned in Vipassana, that when you are ready, energies show up and eventually resolve, but it is not necessary, that we do need to know, what it is. But I really really wanted to know, what is is and where it is from, when did it arise and so on…. not knowing, that I maid be not able to diguest it.

Vipassana also teaches, that we have to live in order with the ’nature law’s‘, ‚universal law’s‘, ‚dhamma‘. If we don’t do, we maid harm also others, but also we harm ourselves and these ‚places‘ just stay until we follow ‚dhamma‘ again. So to make it clear, the main ‚dhamma‘ rules are manifested as wisdom in our religions. They are:
No killing
No lying
No sexual misconduct
No stealing
No consume of any drugs

So I went on observing the cube, yes, and still, I wanted to know, where its from and so on….
So I had to come in a state, where I was ok with the cube, not wanting anything from it, not resolving, not ending the pain… I had to come to a place, where it’s just ok, real ok, that the cube is there… As a sign, that you are there, in that totally accepting space, you reach a place of equanimity and your breath is coming very much suttle, very calm, nearly not there any more. But this also does not help, to do it, then it will not work, you have to reach that place of equanimity and then it happens…. it’s nearly like, it makes ‚klick‘ in your system…
So after a lot of hours observing I reached that place…. it was very painful, very black, but I was very accepting of all the pain, don’t care if pain or not, just observing….
The cube was broken in the middle and I could witness the crack, …. where is it from….
No I got images in my mind….kind of leading me to the point…. A long time ago, nearly 20 years, I had a past life session, where I found out, that I killed some souls, who did not have a body to that time. The women, who lead the past life session, explained, that it has been a long time ago, to Egyptian times or Lemurian times. Back then I was so ashamed, that it took a while to diguest this….  – this was my first sign or image in which direction it could go with me in this appearance of the black cube….
The second image, suddenly I thought about Netanyahu and his horrible politics, especially with the Palestinians. … but this was just short…. I was coming closer…. not knowing how very close I was in my observance…..

Then it happend: underneath the cube, I saw a sentence appearing and to the same time I heard it somehow (to that time the pain was extreme, but I just observed, but I also cried) the sentence was: ‚I killed some jews’…..
What. I am so supershocked…. what…. this is the worst case what I can think of…. I could not believe it…. ‚I killed some jews‘ I could clearly see and hear the sentense. Somewhere out of me I heard it ….
Immediately, crying, I started chanting inside: ‚I am so sorry, I love you, please forgive me, and thank you’…. again and again. Still in shock I continued singing this inside. This is a mantra from a Hawaiian ‚hooponopono‘ forgiving ritual, the melody I was shanting is from Jordanian musicians, friends of mine, Atef and Rawan, who composed a wonderful song out of it.
I started thinking of my life: but I have such a blessed life…. how can it be, that I killed some jews, then I can’t have such a wonderful life…. I think of my parents, very Christian parents , who thought me Christian rules for life, did they safe me by doing so…. where did I come from.. just a life before this life, living in Germany and killing some jews….. (and what means ’some‘ – I am so shocked)
My thought are running and I can’t believe it, but the pain and the tears are so real….
Now I am blessed to be a peace walker. .. but how can I write this in the blog….
I know, we go all to all experiences of life, but I still somehow doubt the existence of other lives  (but also not, because I have some rememberings) but this is so real….
If it would be ages ago…. I could just look at it, observing, knowing, if have learned so much since then..   but just a life before this…. just 20 years before I was born to this life…. I am shocked….
But the cube desolves .. more and more….

All this happened at the end of the day. I, so in shock, went back to my room. Suddenly I see the sign: ‚ this is a happy moment‘ and I start crying again. What a bliss, that this sign is there, and that I can see the happiness in it.
This trues did show up and it’s a bliss to see the trues.

Staying in my bed I remember thinking…. this will be a sleepless night…. but after a little while I slept deep and good.

Every time, the following days, whenever I thought about this, and I was shanting inside ‚I am so sorry, I love you, please forgive me, and thank you‘ I was crying.

Reflecting on it
Some days later, thinking back and forth, if I can share this, I did share in our sharing circle at the nearly end of this retreat. I thought I even could not speak, because I would cry and cry again….. I could, to my big surprise, talk about it without stopping my words… what a miracle..  .!!!!

I have to confess…. as real everything was on the day of realising…. already after the first night, my mind put it into the corner ‚unreal‘ …. ‚this was not me’….  ‚this is a intersting story’…. and so on…..
So heavy to diguest…..

…. in fact…. it was not this person…. this person lives only this life…. but the life before…. there was this other person (same soul) having done that…..

Still, I am surprised, that I have this life, such a blessed one….
Maybe I was tested also.  When I started my ’spiritual‘ life, shortly after, I followed my heart…. following my heart I had a lot of financial problems, 15 years …. but I went on with my heart path….. I finally succeeded…. in the beginning with no help, after 7, 8 years the first help arised. More and more help came through, also moneywise…… was that the test period? ….

I could really have lived just before this life…. because I do have a remembering of a fleeing scene after the first world war….. So I could have had experienced 2 world wars in Germany. ….. I searched and searched if this remembering is from an ancestor,  but I could not find anyone of my ancestors,  where this story could fit…..

It feels, if all of this is true, that there must have been a teaching between the lifes. I know, to be a peace walker in this life was decided before I was born…..

I thought of one my other places, who have to be healed. I reported in this blog about it, too. It’s at my left hip. I always thought, I or one of my ancestors was sexual misused…. but now slowly but clearer and clearer, I guess, maybe or sure, I or the person I have been before, must have been the perpetrator. ..  hard to beer,  but it makes so much sense. ….

Real peace can only happen, when whereever in us and our society, not only the victims are seen and heard, but also the perpetrators can also speak up, been heard. When a perpetrator can speak up in the full knowledge of what he or she has done, with the fully inside, that it was not right, there is no further panishment needed….. peace will appear!!!