2 month Antakya

Already two month here. Unbelievable.

The time was and is running. So it seems.

I finally moved into the Bariş Evili (Friedenshäuschen) in the old town of Antakya. It’s a guest house, where i am allowed to stay. As an exchange I was asked to show presence in the little shop Barbara has here. The shop is surrounded by stones which have the word ‚Peace‘ in many laguages engraved. First I was a bit surprised about the expectation of how many hour I should be present, but after one day I was with even sometimes more time quite happy. It gave me some structure for the day. And I found out that the most work I do, is doing the ‚peacebirdsforsyria‘ (see facebook) project. Suddenly I felt, this shop is a gift to me. Having actually a atelier/galery. Univers is wonderful.

After a while I also started to paint some pictures, which are surprisingly nice, even though I never did a lot of drawing before.

Since arriving in Antakya I was very much with myself, processing all kinds of stuff. What took a while. Since about 10 days I am more out of the shell again. More open to the surroundings. 

After a while I decided to be vegan. This is about 5 weeks ago now. And it’s not difficult at all. Feeling my wounded belly I experienced again and again a lot of cramps. From being disciplined with eating I went into eating too much, because I could not handle all the cramps at all. So many deep loockings, therapies. …. I have done and it’s still there. What is it? I asked myself. When does it stop? Does it stop at all? Already back in Greece I created this sentence ‚My cramps are the wonderful source of never ending energy‘ and there are days/weeks/times when I fully feel it. Incl happiness. So, what is it all about?

I had a very diffecult time at all – not anymore – to accept, that I am gay. And knowing I am already 25 years ‚out‘ it makes me wonder, why is this pain and all the cramps still there. It often feels, if I am not mistaken, that I have to out myself all the time. But why. It annoyes me. It feels sometimes that I even have to say it by introducing myself – as an add. And maybe its also triggerd by the fact that being in muslim countries, I sometime hide the fact of being homosexual. I also feel, being gay is not such an important fact to underline it all the time. Knowing, after such a long time, my cramps, I investigated as much as possible, the painful areas in myself. I can’t find any sexual abuse during my childhood. Since maybe 1 or two years I accept the fact that all these cramps are coming from an abuse out of my ancestors line. And not from the last generation. It feels like 3 to 4 generations ago. And I am not able to release and heal the whole situation. It’s super intense. So what should I do?, I question myself. Why is it still there? And it feels sometimes, that I did not come out before, what is not the fact. If i would be a public figure, I could have another super public re coming out…… But I am not. I know universe is wonderful and wise, so I will go some more time with it, and all the cramps and suffering, until there is a solution.